Certain feelings
by Leia Organa Solo
Summary: This is what could have happened between Coulmier and Madeleine. A different version of the movie's "love story".


_disclaimer__:__ I don't own these characters, I'm just writing stories about them._

_author's__ notes:__ I just loved Quills! The only thing I regretted was that there wasn't enough romance in it. And since I'm such a romantic person, I wrote this short story. So this is what also could have happened between Madeleine and the Abbe when she came to his quarters in the middle of the night. _

_This story was first published by me on the Joaquin Phoenix Multimedia Site._

As she was laying in her bed, Madeleine looked up at the ceiling. She thought about what the Abbe had said to her that night. _I'm sending you away_. Did he mean it? And would he really do it for her own sake, to protect her from the Marquis? Or did he just want her to go away, so he wouldn't have any problems anymore? She closed her eyes to stop the tears that were coming. She didn't WANT to go away! Charenton was her life, her everything. She had been here ever since she was a little girl, she couldn't even remember being somewhere else. And the Marquis! She wouldn't be able to live without his stories. She sighted. Deep in her heart she knew she was just making up excuses to stay. She realised that she was just lying to herself, that she had been lying the whole time. Charenton, her childhood, the Marquis, none of it was her real reason. She placed her hands before her face and started sobbing softly. 

"Oh God, forgive me," she whispered, "forgive me."

After a while, she stopped crying and stepped out of bed. Torches lighted the way as Madeleine moved down the corridor. In the distance, she heared sounds from the patients that had never really bothered her before, but now frightened her like hell. At last she reached the Abbe's quarters. She looked around to be sure that no one saw her and knocked at the door. 

A few moments later, the door opened and a suprised Abbe appeared. His hair was a bit of a mess but he looked as handsome as always. 

"Maddy? What are you doing here?"

She slithered inside and he shut the door quickly.

"You shouldn't be coming here, not at this hour. Suppose anybody saw you…"

"I had to come, Abbe," she said, cutting him of. He heared something in her voice that wasn't right, and he frowned.

"Madeleine… have you been crying?" he asked. She turned her back to him and bit her lip, trying to prevent herself from crying again. _Look at me, _she thought,_ I can't even watch him straight in the eye anymore!_

"Don't send me away, Abbe," she said softly, hopelessly. 

"Maddy…"

"It's a sin against God for me to refuse your kindness. But my heart is held fast here…"

There was a silence, cut off by the Abbe.

"By the Marquis, right?" he asked with a lack of disappointment. 

Madeleine sighed, frustrated because he didn't get it.

"My mother isn't half as blind as you are." 

Another long silence. Madeleine wanted to turn around and see his reaction, but she didn't dare. She was too affraid of seeing the opposite of what she wanted so desperately. 

"Oh Maddy," he said then, wrestling with his own feelings. He slowly drew near her, not knowing what to do. "There are some feelings we can not… we must not voice."

He placed his hands on her shoulders. She shivered, feeling his warmth on her skin. 

"Why not?"

"They incite us to act… in ways we should not… can not," he whispered. He moved his hand higher and stroke her hair. She turned around with hasitation and faced him, not really understanding what he wanted to make clear to her. She had made her confession, but she wasn't sure if he had too. She noticed that his blue-green eyes were full of emotion, something she had never seen with him before. And suddenly she was so full of feeling that she started to cry again. 

"Please, don't cry… my dear…," the Abbe said and he gently wiped away the tears on her cheeks with his fingers. 

"I don't… want to… leave…you," she sobbed. He took her face between his hands and smilled. 

"It's allright, don't worry. You don't have to leave… if you don't want to."

He gave her a long kiss on the forehead and held her against him. She responded his gesture by wrapping her arms around his waist and holding him tight. Oh God, he thought, what's happening? How much he had longed for holding her like that! And how much he wanted to go further! But he couldn't. Even if she wanted the same, he just couldn't… 

He broke away from their embrace and took a step back.

"What is it?" she asked. 

"I think you'd better go now," he whispered. He saw the disappointment in her eyes but tried to ignore it. "Please."

She stared at him.

"Okay," she said, "whatever you want."

And then she turned around and went away, slamming the door.

"Maddy…," he called, but she was already gone. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. "It's not fair. It's just not fair!"

Then he looked at the crucifix above his bed and suddenly he had this crazy thought. His only love had always been God. But now he realised that no God could take the place of Madeleine.

He quickly opened the door.

"Madeleine!!" 

No answer. 

"Madeleine!" he called again, but this time he was running through the hallway. He couldn't think clearly and he seemed not to care anymore about the fact that someone could hear him. 

He kept running through the corridors until suddenly he found himself in the garden. He stopped and looked around. He knew she had been here, because she had to cross a part of the garden to go to her sleepingquarters. He hesitated. He knew he couldn't go after her, she wasn't the only one who slept there. 

He was about to go back, disappointed, but then he saw a small white figure sitting on the bench a little bit further. He knew it was Madeleine and suddenly he felt his heart beat faster. He went towards her and sat next her on the bench. 

"There you are," he said with a smile. She startled.

"What are you doing here?" 

He heared the anger and frustration in her voice. 

"You'd better be carefull," she said, "God's watching!"

She stood up and went away.

"Maddy…"

He went after her.

"Will you just listen to me?" he asked her, but she didn't answer and kept walking. Meanwhile it had started to rain and they were becoming pretty soaked.

"Maddy," he said again, but this time the Abbe grabbed her arm and drew her to him. 

"What…?" she started, but she couldn't finish her question. He took her face in his hands and kissed her passionately. 

_What the hell is he doing? _she thought. But she didn't reject him. She simply put her arms around him and kissed him back. Finally, all those hidden feelings, all those lost moments, every unspoken word, their whole life started to make sense when they were kissing. It felt like sunshine on a rainy day…like making up after a fight... like a light in the dark… like a warm place during a cold winter… like all the good things in life, thay hadn't experienced yet. It felt like home…

When they stopped, they just stood there - soaking wet from the rain - looking at eachother's faces, staring in eachother's eyes. He knew he was doing something he wasn't supposed to, but it felt so goddamn right to him! He startled from his own silent words.

_Sorry,_ he thought, although he wasn't quite sure who he was saying it to. 

Madeleine saw the change of expression on his face. She saw he was fighting against something and she could read the guilt in his eyes. 

"Abbe.." she started. _Oh God, I'm gonna cry again!_

"What?"

"What made you change your mind?" she asked him softly, placing her hand against his cheek. He tried to smile, but she could still see how the guilt was crawling over his face. It hurt her and she knew it was hurting him too.

"You did," he responded. She smiled and touched the scar above his lip with her thumb. She took his face between her hands and gave him a soft kiss. 

"I love you," she said then. He stared into her eyes but didn't say anything back. She knew. He couldn't say it, but somehow she could read it in his eyes. So she smiled. 

"Maybe it's time… that you go back," she said eventually. He nodded. 

"I'm sorry."

"That's allright, I understand."

He placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped his arms around her one more time. Then, he let go.

"Goodbye Madeleine."

He smiled and went back where he came from, with pain in his heart.

"Abbe?" she called.

He turned to face her again.

"Yes?"

"Thank you… for coming after me," she said. Her voice was beginning to sound strange again. He knew why. It was dark and she was wet from the rain, but despite he knew. She was crying. For him. Oh, how he wanted to go back to her, take her in his arms, kiss her like he just had, make love to her, run away with her to some place far away. But he couldn't…

"My heart told me to go after you."

_But my mind won't let me stay with you…_

And he left.

Days passed and the both of them pretended as if nothing had happened that night. Oh yes, it hurt. More than one could imagine. But it probably was for the better. But then… he lost her. Lost her in the worst meaning of the word. And he kept blaming himself. He blaimed himself for her death, for her whole miserable life, for all her suffering. But most of all, he blaimed himself for not saying… that he loved her… 

THE END. 


End file.
